Hedward Pullen and the Chamber of Secrets
by bemysevendwarves
Summary: This is a story about the characters from Twilight in the Harry Potter world. Very disturbing...not for those who are creeped out easily...do not expect updates TOO often
1. Chapter 1

_My story idea is what would happen if the characters in Harry Potter were replaced by Twilight characters, and so Twilight characters went to Hogwarts! Thus here are the characters:_

_Harry/Edward= Hedward Pullen_

_Ron/Jacob= Racob Wack_

_Hermione/Bella= Hella Gron_

_Ginny/Alice= Galice Wack_

_Dobby/Seth= Sobby_

_Mrs Weasley/Jane= Mrs Wack_

_Mr Weasley/Alec= Mr Wack_

_Fred/Mike= Frike Wack_

_George/Eric= Geric Wack_

_Draco/Emmett= Dremmett Mullen_

_Percy/Tyler= Pyler Wack_

_Lockhart/Aro= Laro _

_Hagrid/Sam= Ham_

_Lucius/ Caius= Lucais Mullen_

_Dumbledore/ Carlisle= Dumblelisle_

_McGonagall/ Esme= Mesme_

_Colin Creevey/Jasper= Casper Crullen _

_Snape/Charlie= Snarlie_

_Neville/ Quil= Nil_

_Professor Sprout/ Rosalie= Sprosalie_

**_DISCLAIMER: I DO NOT OWN EITHER TWILIGHT, HARRY POTTER OR MY OWN SANITY_**

Hedward was having a hissy fit. He had jsut realised that no one had remembered his birthday, and had returned to his room to discover a creepy grey thing sitting on his bed, leering at him. He was wondering simultaneously what the fuck it was doing there, and what it would be like to drink its blood (a welcoming thought) when it began to speak.

Sobby: Hello Mr Pullen. Aren't you looking sexy tonight? I mean- you must not return to Hogwarts (dances in eerie shimmering fog). Shall I go throw pudding at your walls now to show my love for you?

Hedward: what the fuck are you?

Sobby: I am a house elf, but I am also a werewolf (dramatic music). Let's be best friends and rip up your girlfriend's hunter together, who is incidentally a vampire.

Hedward: vamp-what? I have a girlfriend now? I'm only 107...i mean 12...IM ONLY 12!

Sobby: Who cares, can we just throw pudding at your *sparkling* walls?

They ran gleefully downstairs and looked at the array of puddings sitting upon the counter. Sobby picked up the biggest one and began to ditch it at the walls while Hedward giggled hysterically and rolled in it. His aunt came running in and started licking pudding off the walls, so Hedward stopped because he is moody and selfish.

Hedward's uncle randomly locked him in a room, where he spent the whole time wondering simultaneously how he had become so ugly (when he had used to be a 17 year old hottie) and wondering what it would taste like if he broke Hedwig's neck and drank her blood. His somewhat sadistic thoughts were interrupted by the revving of a car outside his window. He became excited, not because it was flying, but because he was obsessed with fast cars and going fast (w-hey).

His best friend/mortal enemy Racob Wack was staring at him, with a mixture of hatred and adoration.

Racob: hop in, hotstuff!

Hedward: say what? Racob, we've talked about this. We may be best friends but we're also mortal enemies fighting over a girl I don't even like. GET IT RIGHT!

Hedward then hopped into the car, taking car not to fall onto Racob's lap, who was sitting much too close, and starting to make Hedward feel uncomfortable. They were about to leave when Racob jabbed him in the arm.

Hedward: what the fuck was that?

Racob: I stole your DNA- i mean, what about Hedwig?

Hedward: fuck that bitch.

Racob: ...

Hedward: fine, i'll go get her. *glares* But if my uncle wakes up, I'm gonna eat you, and that's not an empty threat.

Hedward jumped back into his room (he had a lot of practice from jumping through windows, although he couldn't remember from where), and picked up Hedwig's cage, carrying her back to the car. At that point, Frike revved the engine especially loud, (no doubt hoping to impress Hella, even though she wasn't even there). Hedward's uncle came crashing into the room carrying a shotgun (reminiscient of Charlie) and starting shooting at the walls. He then realised that Hedward was attempting to escape and tried to pull him back, 'accidentally' recahing up his trouser leg.

Hedward: shit! Get the old pedo off me!

Racob tugged Hedward back into the car and they drove off, laughing in a hilarious matter. For the rest of the trip, Hedward kept smacking Racob's hand away, which was creeping ever so slowly towards his lap.


	2. Chapter 2

This chapter is obviously the next chapter in the book. I will put the list of names again. I have to have something at the top because I am too lazy to write it here before I put it on the site. Enjoy or face my wrath.

_Harry/Edward= Hedward Pullen_

_Ron/Jacob= Racob Wack_

_Hermione/Bella= Hella Gron_

_Ginny/Alice= Galice Wack_

_Dobby/Seth= Sobby_

_Mrs Weasley/Jane= Mrs Wack_

_Mr Weasley/Alec= Mr Wack_

_Fred/Mike= Frike Wack_

_George/Eric= Geric Wack_

_Draco/Emmett= Dremmett Mullen_

_Percy/Tyler= Pyler Wack_

_Lockhart/Aro= Laro _

_Hagrid/Sam= Ham_

_Lucius/ Caius= Lucais Mullen_

_Dumbledore/ Carlisle= Dumblelisle_

_McGonagall/ Esme= Mesme_

_Colin Creevey/Jasper= Casper Crullen _

_Snape/Charlie= Snarlie_

_Neville/ Quil= Nil_

_Professor Sprout/ Rosalie= Sprosalie  
_

**DISCLAIMER: I MAY NOT HAVE WRITTEN HARRY POTTER, BUT HE'S MINE, SO BACK OFF. SO IS EDWARD :P. But not Jacob cos he's a fugly bitch...deal with it.  
**

When they arrived at the Burrow (it was actually a hole in the ground with possibly furry beasts living inside of it) it was the middle of the day, so naturally they were shocked that Mrs Wack had discovered them missing.

Mrs Wack: WHAT THE FUCK WERE YOU DOING? HAVE YOU NO SHAME? I HAD NO IDEA WHERE YOU WERE. I'M GONNA HAVE TO USE MY PAINFUL MIND POWERS ON YOU, AND NO WAY ARE YOU GETTING DADDY'S ANTIDOTE AFTER! SUFFER BITCHES!

Frike/Geric simultaneously: errr sorry?

Racob: but we left a note- i mean, YES, PLEASE MUMMY, DON'T HURT US!

Mrs Wack cackled evilly and began torturing her sons with her mind powers, chanting sadistically and all the while leading Hedward inside. She spared another glance for the boys writhing on the ground before turning to Hedward and attempting to stuff a whole cooked cow into his mouth.

Mrs Wack: now you look mighty fine- i mean, its nice to meet you, even though you are the sole reason that my sons are squirming painfully in the dirt. Now eat up before I use my 'mothering' on you, too.

***

Sometime later, they were randomly ditching gnomes at each other as further punishment (they obviously needed it) and giggling. The gnomes were fat little leathery men (ideal for your average garden, only $9.95 on ebay) and were wearing little pants. Funnily enough, the ones that Racob were throwing were naked, which Hedward was totally oblivious to, even when he was hit in the face by gnome crotch.

***

The next morning they prepared to go to Diagon were sitting around eating breakfast when Galice came running down the stairs and stopped, staring at Hedward.

Galice: look I'm small and hyper. Nothing has really changed, has it? Ooooh hello Hedward.

Galice slunk up to Hedward and sat on his lap and began to lick his neck (INCEST).

Hedward: not now, Galice. Leave our inter-story incest for later. Right now, I don't like you, remember?

Everyone was getting severly creeped out by this point, so they took drastic action.

One of the twins (who really knows which is whcih anyway?) tossed random dirt into the fireplace, and stepped into the fire, vanishing with a spectacular boom.

Mrs Wack: your turn, Hedward. Go now, before i torture the living crap out of you.

Hedward: but i can't go in _there. _For some starnge reason i get the feeling that fire could destroy me. Anyway, no doubt i will say the wrong thing and end up really dodgy. IT'S FATE!

Mrs Wack shoved Hedward into the fire, and screamed something random into it. All of a sudden, Hedward was spinning dizzily around in circles, saying wheeeeee! With a thump he was thrown onto the ground, and he began to cry.

Hedward: my face! My formerly beautiful face! NOOOOOOOOO!

He stepped out of the fire and saw he was in a dodgy shop, with a greasy man standing behind the counter. There was a large cupboard next to him, but he chose the safer option and sat down, placing his hands, partially obscuring his eyes, in the hope that no one would see him, all the while crying quietly.

The door tinkled and the shopkeeper had to wipe it up. Then the door opened (thankfully its piss was now gone) and a father and son walked in. It was Dremmett Mullen and his father Lucais.

Dremmett: i'm too buff to be _here._ For god's sakes, man, look at my rippling abs. Also i wanna go make out with Sprosalie (who doubles as my Herbology teacher and my incredibly sexy girlfriend). Hurry up father before i challenge you to an arm wrestling match.

Lucais: oh, god forbid that you arm wrestle me. I will just get my hundreds of guards and TEAR YOU TO PIECES. DEATH TO ALL NORMAL VAMPIRES. Now, where were we?

Strangely enough, neither of them noticed Hedward cowering in the corner and soon left, after dealing suspicious white substances. Hedward stood up and left the shop, looking anxiously around. There was a strange woman chewing happily on severed body parts, and he was tempted to go join her until a giant fist smashed the shit out of him.

Ham: What are you doing here? You're on Quileute land- I mean- get the fuck out of Knockturn Alley. What do you want people to think you are, some kinda druggie? *shifty eyes*

Hedward: I'm sorry for something that was totally out of control. Mrs Wack screamed at me and pushed me into a fire. She's seriously crazy. No wonder the Weasley's have such issues. What are you doing down here anyway?

Ham: I'm protecting the sacred land and perving on my heavily scarred girlfriend- I mean, slug repellent. That's it. The slugs have been eating my ridiculously long beard and i need a new shampoo with slug repellent.

Ham picked up Hedward and carried him down an extremely dark alleyway. Hedward couldn't be sure, but he was pretty sure that yet again someone reached up his trouser leg.

_sorry about this chapter. I know it was pretty crap, but hopefully the next one will be better. This was dedicated to the Twinnies and Shona...for no reason_

_LICK  
_


	3. Chapter 3

_I know that up until this point my stories have been super creepy. I'm sorry, but that's not about to change. This story is dedicated to Lauren who was scared by the first two chapters, and was also my first reader. I will yet again place the character guide for yours and my convenience._

_Harry/Edward= Hedward Pullen_

_Ron/Jacob= Racob Wack_

_Hermione/Bella= Hella Gron_

_Ginny/Alice= Galice Wack_

_Dobby/Seth= Sobby_

_Mrs Weasley/Jane= Mrs Wack_

_Mr Weasley/Alec= Mr Wack_

_Fred/Mike= Frike Wack_

_George/Eric= Geric Wack_

_Draco/Emmett= Dremmett Mullen_

_Percy/Tyler= Pyler Wack_

_Lockhart/Aro= Laro _

_Hagrid/Sam= Ham_

_Lucius/ Caius= Lucais Mullen_

_Dumbledore/ Carlisle= Dumblelisle_

_McGonagall/ Esme= Mesme_

_Colin Creevey/Jasper= Casper Crullen _

_Snape/Charlie= Snarlie_

_Neville/ Quil= Nil_

_Professor Sprout/ Rosalie= Sprosalie_

**DISCLAIMER: I DO NOT OWN EITHER TWILIGHT OR HARRY POTTER. I AM TOO BUSY BEING BETTER THAN OWLS TO DO THAT.**

Ham and Hedward emerged spectacularly from Knockturn Alley. They were covered in soot, and Ham had suspiciously rumpled clothes and hair, too.

Hella: Hedward! Hedward! I missed you so much. I am so tempted to sniff your skin and make out with you even though we don't even like each other in this story.

Galice: No, he is mine.

Galice ran up and started licking Hedward again. He started to lick her back until he realised that everyone was staring.

Hedward: it seems people don't like inter-story incest here.

The rest of the Wack family hurried over, and Mr Wack cut off Hedward's senses while his wife beat the shit (and the soot) out of him with her handbag. When she was finished, the twins greeted Hedward, but all the while following Hella, offering to take her to her next class, even though they weren't at school. Geric was also slicking back his greasy hair and popping his numerous pimples. Frike was randomly playing volleyball and flexing his non-existent muscles. Obviously they believed these were things that would impress Hella.

After a moment of awkward silence, which was punctuated by Hedward sighing as a fat owl flew past, he, Racob and Hella walked off. There was a lot of tension in the air, because Racob was holding Hedward's hand, and he was starting to think that maybe Racob was just a little bit gay and obsessed with him.

They soon reached a bookshop and saw that there was a large crowd of disgustingly old women queuing to get in. Hedward assumed there was a convention for anti-aging books until he saw a young man standing at the front, touching the ladies' hands, muttering and handing them books.

They cut into the line, and strangely enough no one seemed to mind, and soon they were standing before the man. He then spotted Hedward and got alarmingly excited and started stroking him.

Laro: now I can hear you, I can hear you. Kill them all, yes kill them all. I mean- my name is Professor Laro and I will be your teacher next year. I have won a few novelty prizes so that automatically makes me better than you. Let's have a picture together and I can treasure it forever- I mean, we can put it in the newspaper. Two mildly-famous males in a bookshop will certainly be the biggest news.

Some random man (wearing a cloak reminiscent of the Volturi Guard) was taking photos with an outdated camera.

Hedward managed to escape and ran outside, screaming hysterically,

Hedward: he…touched…me. Are all the creepy men in London out to get me?

He then realised that he was talking to himself and that Dremmett was walking around the corner with his overly creepy father (who was also wearing a creepy cloak with his hood up).

Hedward: do I…know you?

Dremmett: yes. We are mortal enemies but also inter-story brothers. Let's be mortal enemies because it makes for a better plot. Haha you were touched by a creepy old man in a bookstore. That is obviously because you are famous. I laugh at you and set my sinister father on you.

Lucais: well, well, well, if it isn't Mr Wack and his troupe of beggars. Look at the books you're giving your little slutty daughter. I thought you, of all people, would not want to inflict your depressing childhood on your offspring.

Galice: I am so _not_ a slut. *began licking Hedward again*

Mr Wack: I know the way to settle this. To prove that my daughter is not a slut (even though she licks older men and in the future will have a million boyfriends) I will fight you.

The two men begin to fight, strangely without wands, even though they are wizards, and are making each other bleed. Hedward spotted blood streaming from Mr Wack's broken nose and screamed as he resisted the temptation. Racob took his hand and tried to calm him down, which made him lose his control and begin to lick the blood off the pavestones.

Lucais: very well. I admit that your daughter is not a slut _yet_. Here take back your book, which has a dark and dangerous evil object hidden inside of it. Enjoy!

Galice: I knew you were going to say that. I can also see that this will cause me to kill things and possibly almost die but I will take it anyway.

Lucais: SLUT!


	4. Chapter 4

_Yet again the character list. This chapter is dedicated to everyone who never reads this, because they need recognition too._

_Harry/Edward= Hedward Pullen_

_Ron/Jacob= Racob Wack_

_Hermione/Bella= Hella Gron_

_Ginny/Alice= Galice Wack_

_Dobby/Seth= Sobby_

_Mrs Weasley/Jane= Mrs Wack_

_Mr Weasley/Alec= Mr Wack_

_Fred/Mike= Frike Wack_

_George/Eric= Geric Wack_

_Draco/Emmett= Dremmett Mullen_

_Percy/Tyler= Pyler Wack_

_Lockhart/Aro= Laro _

_Hagrid/Sam= Ham_

_Lucius/ Caius= Lucais Mullen_

_Dumbledore/ Carlisle= Dumblelisle_

_McGonagall/ Esme= Mesme_

_Colin Creevey/Jasper= Casper Crullen _

_Snape/Charlie= Snarlie_

_Neville/ Quil= Nil_

_Professor Sprout/ Rosalie= Sprosalie_

**DISCLAIMER: I DO NOT OWN EITHER TWILIGHT OR HARRY POTTER. I DO NOT OWN ANYTHING. I AM A HOBO…EEEEEEEEE!**

On the morning that they were going back to Hogwarts, they were randomly extremely late and had only two minutes before the train was to leave. The people who were not even going to the school went through the gate first, leaving almost no time for the others.

Hedward: let's go through last, with only half a minute to go.

Racob: why?

Hedward: it will make for a much more dramatic story, and we can be fashionably late. Well at least _I _can be fashionably late. I doubt you have ever been fashionable in your life.

Racob started to cry and surreptitiously tried to pull down his robes, which were so short that you could see his knees, rather than just his ankles. He would have started having a tanty but they had about twenty seconds to get onto the platform and Hedward was already running, very _very_ fast.

They ran together, both inhumanly fast, and smashed so hard into the brick wall that it cracked all down it and they bounced back several kilometres. They ran all the way back and tried over and over again, but to no avail.

Racob: Oh noes, the train has left. Naturally my parents will not return for many hours, so let's steal their car so that they may never get home. Or we could just _fly_ to school. That's totally normal.

Hedward: hey that was meant to be my idea. I have an owl, and we could easily contact anyone, but let's do what we always do and try to break every single law they have in place. Naturally wizarding laws are just there to be violated (w-hey).

They ran to the car and hopped in. Naturally at the Weasley household everyone knows how to drive by the age of 12. There is some serious parenting that needs to be done there. They took to the skies and floated above the clouds.

Hedward: now what are we meant to do for like five hours.

Racob: I have some idea. (*hand creeps over again).

Hedward: NO RACOB! WHAT IS IT YOU WANT FROM ME? I DON'T WANNA GET WITH YOU!

Racob: but I'm so hot. My skin is literally scorching. Also, I can change into a sexy furry animal. Is that not enough for you? I mean in Twilight we used to get together when Bella was sleeping…

Hedward: not NOW, Racob. Besides, I've never seen you change into a small sexy animal.

Racob grinned and closed his eyes. There was a small *pop* and he changed into a furry black dog (LIKE TILLY) and stared lovingly up at Hedward. He had appeared to have gotten over the inter-story mortal enemies thing. He placed his small furry head on Hedward's knee and started licking it.

Hedward stared at Racob, both with disgust and the strange desire to drink his blood. Why it was strange to him, as he had already had the same thought about three equally disgusting creatures is beyond me. He was about to sink his fangs into Racob when he turned back into a (somewhat) human.

Hedward: if you ever lick me again I'll eat you. I'm not joking.

Quite some time, it was getting really dark and somehow grabbing Hedward's knee helped Racob to see. They had reached Hogwarts.

Racob could have landed gracefully, but he went about impressing Hedward by pulling into a sharp dive towards the ground. There was an almighty *thump* and they hit a tree. A branch snaked in and slapped Racob.

Tree: what the fuck was that for? Me rapey you now!

Understandably, they tried to run, especially as they had just been told by a tree that it was going to rape them. It grabbed them and started to take off their clothes.

***

A few minutes later they walked away, after watching the traumatised car drive away, and sat right by the window so that they could watch small children put on a hat (kinky, hey?)

Hedward: we will never again speak of this.

Racob: agreed.


	5. Chapter 5

_Yo, my peeps. I have gone on a writing rampage. 4 chapters in one day. I will slow down eventually. This chapter may be good, it may not be, I don't know. This chapter is dedicated to Shona, who reviews them all, and the raping tree. It is also dedicated to Caitlin, but she will only earn it if she reviews at least 2 chapters (including this one)._

_Harry/Edward= Hedward Pullen_

_Ron/Jacob= Racob Wack_

_Hermione/Bella= Hella Gron_

_Ginny/Alice= Galice Wack_

_Dobby/Seth= Sobby_

_Mrs Weasley/Jane= Mrs Wack_

_Mr Weasley/Alec= Mr Wack_

_Fred/Mike= Frike Wack_

_George/Eric= Geric Wack_

_Draco/Emmett= Dremmett Mullen_

_Percy/Tyler= Pyler Wack_

_Lockhart/Aro= Laro _

_Hagrid/Sam= Ham_

_Lucius/ Caius= Lucais Mullen_

_Dumbledore/ Carlisle= Dumblelisle_

_McGonagall/ Esme= Mesme_

_Colin Creevey/Jasper= Casper Crullen _

_Snape/Charlie= Snarlie_

_Neville/ Quil= Nil_

_Professor Sprout/ Rosalie= Sprosalie_

**DISCLAIMER: NOW I OWN TWILIGHT AND HARRY POTTER BECAUSE I CAUGHT THEM AND HID THEM UNDER MY BED. BUT I DIDN'T ****WRITE**** THEM.**

While Hedward and Racob were sitting there feeling violated, a hand tapped them on the shoulder.

Snarlie: What did you do with my daughter? PEPPER SPRAY-I mean, you boys are in a lot of danger. Let me hang up my gun belt and I will go and threaten you in a room where no one can hear us. I will also get Dumblelisle and Mesme and they will make out with- I mean, they will punish you. *shifty eyes*

They walked to the dungeons and sat down. Snarlie hung up his gun belt (wands are too juvenile) and sat facing them. He pulled down a conveniently placed newspaper, skipped the headline which read: FLYING CAR OVER LONDON. He flipped to the sports section and pointed at the result.

Snarlie: can you believe the Rangers lost _again?_ Now what were we talking about?

At that moment Dumblelisle and Mesme glided in holding hands. They broke apart at the sight of the others, looking guilty.

Dumblelisle: oopsies we didn't expect anyone to be here. We were just looking for somewhere private- I mean, PUNISHMENT! You will have numerous detentions, and I will write to your parents, ordering them to whip and chain- I mean, tell you off. Now eat these magical sandwiches which are no doubt filled with strange substances.

Mesme: there's nothing strange about sandwiches made from the heart. Now-go eat and we can have our leave. *wink*

They walked off, leaving Snarlie and the boys sitting and staring at the pile of disturbing sandwiches, which had no recognisable filling.

Snarlie: they certainly look good…NO! I must stick to my diet. Goodbye.

He left and Hedward and Racob continued to stare at the plate.

Hedward: I'd rather go hungry.

Racob: agreed (*he says that an awful lot doesn't he?*) Now let's go to sleep.

Hedward: I won't be able to sleep after the tree incident, but.

***

The next day at breakfast, where they avoided any sandwich-like foods, a red letter came spiralling down and smacked Racob on the side of his head. It began smoking, which is of course prohibited inside the school, so Dumblelisle ran down and put out its cigarette (thank god no one suffered the ordeal of secondary smoke).

All of a sudden the letter burst open and flew to the top of the hall, spiralling and dancing as Mrs Wack's voice screamed at them.

Mrs Wack's Letter: YOU FUCKING IDIOTS. DO YOU REMEMBER WHAT HAPPENED LAST TIME YOU PULLED THIS FUCKING STUNT? WELL THAT'S WAITING FOR YOU AT HOME. I WILL MAKE YOU SCREAM UNTIL YOU FORGET TO DRIVE. YOU ARE SUCH AN EMBARRASSMENT TO THE FAMILY. THERE WILL BE PAIN AT HOME- PAIN!

Dumblelisle: someone call Social Services, please.

After Dumblelisle had counselled the boys in a private room (w-hey) they all walked down to Herbology. They passed Hella who spectacularly tripped and landed in a pile of dragon manure. Strangely enough, there were about 10 boys to pick her up and hose her down. Racob looked like he wanted to join them (no doubt the sight of Hella dripping wet aroused him) but Hedward restrained him and they walked into the greenhouse.

A hand grabbed Hedward and pulled him back. He looked up into the disturbingly young (I suspect surgery) face of Laro.

Laro: I can hear your thoughts, and know that you are far more famous than me, but I will give you advice anyway. Your flying car stunt was most definitely an effort to both impress and undermine me (in no way could it have been an attempt to reach this school on time) and I disapprove. I am far for handsome than you, and you are a selfish barstard trying to steal my limelight. One more stunt like this and it's a trip to Italy for _you_.

Hedward: but, but-

Laro: BEGONE!

Hedward wandered back into the greenhouse and sat next to Racob, who was growing steadily before his eyes.

Racob: damn these random growth-spurts. Well at least _other_ things are growing too (W-HEY!).

Sprosalie (the incredibly hot and slutty Herbology teacher) interrupted this creepily disturbing sentence by throwing fluffy earmuffs at them.

Sprosalie: when I tell you to put them on, do so, because I am boss and otherwise I will eat you. I will bring forth small knobbly plants that will kill you if you hear them. Also, when I signal to remove your earmuffs, you will compliment my strategically planned slutty outfit and help me to steal demon children. (*shifty eyes*). Now put them on.

Hedward scrambled across the table so that he could get a pair that was pink and fluffy (and slapped them on.) Sprosalie pulled a small knobbly plant (as promised) out of a pot and placed it in another pot. She then signalled for them to do the same. After some time Hedward became bored, and he felt lucky about tempting fate, and removed his earmuffs.

Mandrake 1: oh yes, into the soil. Liiiiiick. Tooooouch. Some day I will mature and then, fuck yes, I will get into Mandrakie's panties. FUCK YES!

Hedward was so heavily disturbed that he ran screaming from the greenhouse, but not before taking a Mandrake along for a tasty snack before lunch.

Just before Defence Against the Dark Arts, Hedward was approached by a small boy with a pained expression.

Casper: I can feel you. You are feeling pissed off. I will make you feel aroused now- I mean, OMG YOU'RE HEDWARD PULLEN. Can I take a picture, you sign it, and I can keep it under my pillow and make out with every night. Can I, can I?

Dremmett conveniently arrived on the scene (with the suspicious scent of Sprosalie's slutty perfume) and stood there, flexing his muscles. He then removed his robes and fondled his six-pack.

Dremmett: you're giving out signed pictures, HEDWARD PULLEN OF GRYFFINDOR HOUSE? Why don't you want a picture of my rippling abs- I mean, I am totally not jealous of your fame, I mean, you're disgustingly ugly anyway.

Hedward: that may be true.

Dremmett: shut up! I wasn't finished scathingly insulting you. (*has a hissy fit*). Look here comes that teacher that thinks you're a fame-seeking git. HEDWARD PULLEN IS GIVING OUT SIGNED PICTURES, WITHOUT A BULGING BICEP OR A RIPPLING AB IN SIGHT!

Laro: BLASPHEMY! How dare you, after all I told you. I'm taking you to Italy- I mean- move along, nothing to see here. You get into class, Mr. Pullen, and we'll talk about me killing you later.


	6. Chapter 6

_Hey again. I am much more eager to write new chapters, as I have discovered that people *gasp* like my perverted stories. WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU ALL? This chapter is dedicated to my new random reader, Micador, who has taken interest. It is also dedicated to sheep, everywhere._

_Harry/Edward= Hedward Pullen_

_Ron/Jacob= Racob Wack_

_Hermione/Bella= Hella Gron_

_Ginny/Alice= Galice Wack_

_Dobby/Seth= Sobby_

_Mrs Weasley/Jane= Mrs Wack_

_Mr Weasley/Alec= Mr Wack_

_Fred/Mike= Frike Wack_

_George/Eric= Geric Wack_

_Draco/Emmett= Dremmett Mullen_

_Percy/Tyler= Pyler Wack_

_Lockhart/Aro= Laro _

_Hagrid/Sam= Ham_

_Lucius/ Caius= Lucais Mullen_

_Dumbledore/ Carlisle= Dumblelisle_

_McGonagall/ Esme= Mesme_

_Colin Creevey/Jasper= Casper Crullen _

_Snape/Charlie= Snarlie_

_Neville/ Quil= Nil_

_Professor Sprout/ Rosalie= Sprosalie_

_Oliver Wood/James= Joliver_

**DISCLAIMER: I DO NOT OWN EITHER HARRY POTTER OR TWILIGHT, BUT I THINK GEORGE BUSH MIGHT, BECAUSE HE'S BEEN SPENDING AN AWFUL LOT OF TIME WITH THE AUTHORS o.O**

Hedward raced into the classroom and sat right at the back, all by himself because he's a loser. Laro was glaring at him pretty evilly so he took the quiz being handed to him and gazed at it in disbelief.

Hedward: WHAT THE FUCK? How am I meant to know what your favourite position is…?

Laro: oops wrong quiz. Here, take this one, creator of all evil.

Hedward: someone's got their knickers in a knot.

Laro: is it _really_ such a crime to wear women's underwear?

Hedward: …

Everyone was staring by this point and Laro screamed rather hysterically at them before retiring to his desk, where he spent the remainder of the lesson glaring at Hedward and scribbling threatening notes.

***

A few days later, Hedward was woken at 5 am in the morning by a creepy boy whacking him over the head with a broomstick.

Joliver: get the fuck up so that I can eat your girlfriend…I mean- let's go fly around on broomsticks at the crack of dawn to impress everyone else, even though no doubt they will all be asleep.

They walked down to the Quidditch pitch, with Hedward staring at his broom, bemused, wondering how the hell it worked. They were joined by randoms with similar contraptions, and Hedward was considering asking someone why the hell they were holding brooms, and were they going to sweep the castle, when everyone mounted (w-hey) and flew into the air.

Joliver: get up here, arse-hat. Otherwise I will track you down and eat you.

Hedward…only _I _can threaten to eat people. GET IT RIGHT! Anyway, why do I need a broom to fly? I'm a vampire for fuck's sake. Can't I change into a bat?

Hedward spent several minutes trying to change into a bat, in which he succeeded in removing all of his clothes and mastering yoga, but still couldn't shape shift.

Hedward: wtf! Why does Racob get to be a small sexy furry animal, and I don't? IT'S NOT FAIR.

Everyone was staring now, and desperately begging Hedward to put his clothes on. Before he could, however, there were several banging doors and Galice came sprinting across the lawn, wearing nothing more than a towel on her head.

Galice: NOOOOOOOOOO! (*begins licking Hedward*)

Hedward: not NOW Galice. We can do that later in the Chamber of Secrets.

Galice: the what?

Hedward: not now. Now run along, little one.

Galice: I likey what I see in the future.

This incredibly disturbing event was interrupted by the entire Slytherin Quidditch team walking onto the pitch, and Hedward squealing and putting his clothes back on. He couldn't let Dremmett see that he _didn't _have rippling abs.

Dremmett: well, well, well. What do I see here with my incredibly (somehow) buff eyes. Hedward lying on the ground _without_ his broom. What's all this about, then?

Hedward: errr aren't we meant to ask _you_ what you're doing on the pitch while we are here?

Dremmett: oh yeah, but first we need Hella and Racob. WHY CAN'T THEY READ THE SCRIPT?

Hedward: amateurs.

(Hella and Racob randomly appear in a puff of smoke).

Racob: wtf. Oh shit, sorry. Shall I cast a spell with the wrong end of my wand now?

Dremmett: please do.

There was a bang and Racob collapsed on the ground, vomiting a steady stream of slugs into his lap.

Hella: wow, that's hot. Can I lick them up out of your lap?

Hedward: …aren't _we_ 'dating'?

Hella: you don't have sexy slugs. I guess we should take him to Ham.

They carried Racob to Ham's hut (even though he was perfectly capable of walking) and threw him at the door. Ham opened it and screamed hysterically at the sight of writhing grey blobs on his (immaculately polished) doorstep.

Ham: quick, get all the slugs into this bucket.

Hedward: why?

Ham: later, they will make a tasty snack for my Quileute pack- I mean, I can drown them *laughs evilly*

Hedward: remind me to never eat at your house.

Ham: how about you come look at my suspiciously oversized pumpkin. You'd never guess I am an avid gardener, would you?

Hedward: isn't that just a _little_ bit gay?

Ham: there's nothing gay about protecting our sacred land from the Cold Ones- I mean, Dumblelisle asked me to grow them for Halloween. *blushes*

Some time later, they headed back to the castle, where they were cornered by Mesme, who was knitting.

Mesme: tonight you will do your detentions. Racob, you will be 'entertaining' Professor Snarlie tonight for four hours. He requests that you wear a leotard and don't bother to wear underwear.

Racob: is that…legal?

Mesme: not really, but when has Professor Snarlie ever done legal things?

Racob: good point.

Mesme: Hedward, Professor Laro has requested that you do your detention with him. He requests you wear your best clothes, and that you are to be excused from homework for next week- though for the life of me I can't think why.

Hedward; don't you think that maybe he's trying to kill me?

Mesme: very likely, but I'm sure you'll survive. Rowling said there would be seven books, so there's a good chance you'll live, at least until the last one.

Hedward: hurray! Five more years of 'life'. (whispers to himself) I wonder if anyone knows I'm actually immortal.

Mesme: you will begin your detentions at eight. Now go along to dinner so that I can meet up with Dumblelisle and we can discuss medicine and knitting. Hurrah!

They walked into dinner, where they saw Hella trip and fall face-first into a plate of mashed potato. Frike and Geric picked her up and began licking her face to get the food off. Racob became momentarily distracted and whined with longing, but Hedward pulled him along and they sat down.

Hedward: I'm so over her. We don't even like each other in this story, anyway. I prefer Galice. *waggles eyebrows*

Racob: that's my sister you're talking about, and you know I disapprove of inter-story incest.

Hedward: you're so incestist. Incestist people- AUSTRALIA SAYS NO!

When they had finished their dinner, they changed into their required clothes and stopped at the hallway where they had to part.

Hedward: good luck with your pre-assumed sexual assault.

Racob: good luck with your pre-assumed death.

Hedward: so be it.

_Sorry I know that chapter was not very good, but it's a pretty boring chapter normally anyway, so there's not much else I could do with it. Hopefully the next one will be better. Please review…they actually make my day (I HAVE NO LIFE!)_


	7. Chapter 7

_This chapter will most likely be about the detention, and it will probably be pretty short because there isn't much to say in this one. It will most likely be crap anyway. This chapter is dedicated to Brian… (Lol). I would also like to thank my faithful copy of the Chamber of Secrets, even though I deviate a fair bit from the story, for its plot that is so easily ridiculed. *note* if new characters arrive in the story they are just added to the bottom of the list. Enjoy!_

_Harry/Edward= Hedward Pullen_

_Ron/Jacob= Racob Wack_

_Hermione/Bella= Hella Gron_

_Ginny/Alice= Galice Wack_

_Dobby/Seth= Sobby_

_Mrs Weasley/Jane= Mrs Wack_

_Mr Weasley/Alec= Mr Wack_

_Fred/Mike= Frike Wack_

_George/Eric= Geric Wack_

_Draco/Emmett= Dremmett Mullen_

_Percy/Tyler= Pyler Wack_

_Lockhart/Aro= Laro _

_Hagrid/Sam= Ham_

_Lucius/ Caius= Lucais Mullen_

_Dumbledore/ Carlisle= Dumblelisle_

_McGonagall/ Esme= Mesme_

_Colin Creevey/Jasper= Casper Crullen _

_Snape/Charlie= Snarlie_

_Neville/ Quil= Nil_

_Professor Sprout/ Rosalie= Sprosalie_

_Oliver Wood/James= Joliver_

**DISCLAIMER: I DO NOT OWN EITHER TWILIGHT OR HARRY POTTER…BUT I AM IN POSSESSION OF SOME HAPPY DRUGS. YOU WANT ANY?**

Hedward cautiously knocked on Laro's office door (dressed impeccably in a brand new tuxedo bought especially for the occasion). There was a creak, and Laro opened the door, dressed in his Volturi-esque cloak, with the hood covering his head.

Laro: do come in.

Hedward walked through the door and sat cautiously in a spongy armchair by the window. Laro sat down opposite him and glared.

Laro: it has come to my attention that not only did you disobey me and try to undermine me by handing out signed photos. Not only was there not a rippling ab in sight, but you failed to inform me of this matter, so I could not join you and steal the limelight.

Hedward: are you going to kill me? After all you said you were taking me to Italy, which I assumed you meant you were taking me to the Volturi.

Laro: how do you know about the Volturi?

Hedward…sometimes I get the strange urge to drink the blood of small disgusting creatures. Does that answer your question?

Laro: well, this changes everything. Now that I can't physically kill you (without tearing you to pieces, and that could get messy), I will simply have to make you pay in some other way. You will paint ME NAKED!

Hedward: dear god, NO!

Laro lay down on a couch and started removing his clothes. Hedward ran frantically to the door and tried to escape, but it was heavily locked. He dared not turn around for fear of seeing something that no one should be subjected to, and all of a sudden he heard a voice.

Mystery Voice: wheeeeeeee! I'm going through the pipes, yes going through the pipes. I'm gonna kill some kiddies (CRIPES!), yet going through the pipes.

Hedward: shit, what was that?

Laro: what? Surely you couldn't hear my 'wand' getting a little excitable- I mean- it's almost midnight. How about you leave now, and I wont punish you. But if I get wind of your fame-seeking again, then it's a fire for you, Mr. Pullen.

Hedward: I'll keep that in mind any time I feel like doing some 'fame-seeking'.

He ran out and sprinted up to the dormitory. Racob wasn't back yet, so he waited for him, like the faithful best friend/lover that he was.

Racob's Detention

Racob pulled on his leotard and wandered down to the dungeons, ignoring the disgusted stares of pretty girls as he went. He knocked on Professor Snarlie's door and waited anxiously. Snarlie opened the door with a gleeful grin and pulled him inside.

Racob: errr what am I doing as punishment tonight?

Snarlie: you will be entertaining me. I am a bitter old man and I don't get amused easily. You will dance.

Racob: I can't dance.

Snarlie: YOU WILL DANCE!

Snarlie pulled out his shotgun and started shooting at Racob's feet to make him hop from foot to foot. He then started spraying pepper spray at Racob's head to make him bob his head from side to side.

Snarlie: good, good. This will amuse for a few more minutes. Then we will move you onto a new dance.

Racob: I knew this was going to be weird, but I didn't think it was going to be _this_ weird.

Snarlie: now take off the leotard. I hope you left your underwear behind like I requested.

Racob squealed and ran to the door, pushing as hard as he could, without realising that the doors pulled from the inside. Snarlie grabbed him and pulled him back into the shadows, slipping off the leotard. For once, Racob was the one who felt a hand 'slip accidentally' up his leg.

Hedward was sitting on the end of his bed when Racob walked in and sat down, looking emotionally scarred, and with a leotard on back to front.

Racob: how was your night *sob*?

Hedward: I almost saw Laro naked and I heard a creepy voice singing about killing, outside the room. How was yours.

Racob: I don't wanna talk about it. Let's just say this school is in serious need of new teachers.


	8. Chapter 8

_I'm sorry the last chapter was pretty bad. I thought it would be all right, but then it ended up creepy and not very good at all. This chapter should hopefully be better. It is dedicated to me, because I deserve it: P. NEW CHARACTERS ALERT!_

_Harry/Edward= Hedward Pullen_

_Ron/Jacob= Racob Wack_

_Hermione/Bella= Hella Gron_

_Ginny/Alice= Galice Wack_

_Dobby/Seth= Sobby_

_Mrs Weasley/Jane= Mrs Wack_

_Mr Weasley/Alec= Mr Wack_

_Fred/Mike= Frike Wack_

_George/Eric= Geric Wack_

_Draco/Emmett= Dremmett Mullen_

_Percy/Tyler= Pyler Wack_

_Lockhart/Aro= Laro _

_Hagrid/Sam= Ham_

_Lucius/ Caius= Lucais Mullen_

_Dumbledore/ Carlisle= Dumblelisle_

_McGonagall/ Esme= Mesme_

_Colin Creevey/Jasper= Casper Crullen _

_Snape/Charlie= Snarlie_

_Neville/ Quil= Nil_

_Professor Sprout/ Rosalie= Sprosalie_

_Oliver Wood/James= Joliver_

_Nearly Headless Nick/Laurent=Lick (lol)_

_Filch/Marcus=Farcus_

_Moaning Myrtle/Victoria=Mictoria_

_Peeves/Garrett=Parrett_

**DISCLAIMER: I DO NOT OWN ANY BOOKS OR THEIR CHARACTERS…YET. **

After the disturbing ordeal that was their detentions, life became somewhat normal for Hedward and Racob, at least until Halloween morning. Hedward came in from Quidditch dripping with mud (he still hadn't mastered the broom and it was customary to mud-wrestle after practice). Hedward left a trail of mud behind him as he walked into the castle, and was stopped by the Gryffindor ghost, Nearly Headless Lick, who was holding a letter and looking downright emo.

Hedward: what's wrong, Lick?

Lick: yet again, I have been defied by the Headless Hunt. They refuse to let me join, saying that I am not headless. I refuse to believe that that matters and strongly advise you to do the same.

Hedward: sure. That's totally fair- I mean unfair. Why doesn't everyone love and respect you like they should.

Lick: you're coming on a little strong there. Now I will glide away in my ghostliness, but I suggest you run, because Farcus is coming, and mud disagrees with him.

Hedward: shit.

Farcus: ehhh I don't care if they kill the Cullens, I'm so damn indecisive-I mean, EWWY! MUD! Perhaps if I close my eyes, it will go away. Mr. Pullen! Come to my office immediately so that I can stroke- I mean, punish you.

They walked slowly down the corridor and entered a small stuffy room that strangely enough, had Nil dangling from the ceiling crying like a baby. Farcus quickly untied Nil and tossed him out the door, before shoving Hedward into a seat and pulling out a punishment form.

Farcus: name…Hedward Pullen. Crime…dragging me into a political fight against immortal children- I mean, mud. OH THE MUD! Suggested punishment…

Hedward sat there, sweating nervously (or was it in an aroused matter) while he waited for Farcus to decide his sentence. Farcus was just lowering his quill to the parchment when there was an almighty *BOOM* and the ceiling shook and rattled.

Farcus: WTF? I'll be back, boy, to settle your punishment. If you leave- I'll give you a special detention with Professor Snarlie.

Hedward: dear god, no.

Farcus glared heavily at him and ran outside, leaving Hedward to contemplate his ghastly reflection in the side of a goblet, which took a total of a few seconds before he became sickened with himself and picked up an envelope that was lying on Farcus' desk.

**DO YOU EVER FEEL THE URGE TO TOUCH SMALL CHILDREN?**

**Well, the PedoHelpLine is here to help.**

**The PedoHelpLine is a government initiative for witches, wizards and Squibs that believe that they have a problem. **

**Madame Turklelick of London writes-**

**I always used to look at small children in a perverted way, especially seven year old boys. But after only a week of PedoHelpLine's counselling and drugs, I find that I can stop having the creepy thoughts.**

Hedward heard footsteps and hastily threw the envelope back onto the desk, reminding himself to never be let alone in a room with Farcus. Farcus came storming back in, strangely coated in whipped cream, and huffed and gasped as he noticed that the envelope was at the opposite end of the desk than it had started.

Farcus: that wasn't mine…I was keeping it for a very good friend…I mean- GET OUT OF MY SIGHT. IF I EVER SEE YOU AGAIN I BET YOU CAN GUESS FROM THE LETTER WHAT THAT WILL MEAN!

Hedward screamed hysterically and ran from the room, where he almost bumped (I don't know how that's possible) into Nearly Headless Lick, who was hovering there with a self-satisfied smirk.

Lick: I hope you appreciate the fact that I seduced- I mean persuaded Parrett to crash a cupboard over Farcus' office. I got you out of punishment, so I expect you to come to an exceedingly boring party on Halloween, and to bring Miss Gron and Mr. Wack as well. If you refuse…I will kill you.

Hedward: ok. I guess we'll be there.

Lick: you better be.

Hedward was disturbed and disappointed at the fact that he wouldn't be allowed to taste Ham's precious babies/vegetables at the Halloween feast. He was also dripping copious amounts of mound all over the *sparkling* floorboards, and some first years (who were waist deep in it and close to drowning) were glaring at him.

He raced upstairs to the boys' communal showers and stripped down and began to shower. He was just beginning to wash off the mud when there were footsteps and Hella and Racob walked in and began to talk to him, neither noticing nor caring that he was completely naked.

Hella: so are we all set for Halloween dinner tonight?

Racob: I heard Dumblelisle is gonna be doing table-dancing as entertainment

Hedward: DAMN! How can we miss _that_, I mean- DO YOU GUYS MIND? I'm KINDA NAKED AND WET HERE!

Racob: ooh so you are…

Hella had to forcibly Racob while Hedward shrieked and slipped into a conveniently placed robe.

Racob: I think you're still a bit muddy, maybe you should keep showering…?

Hella: NO RACOB! Now as I was saying…Dumblelisle dancing sexily in a skeleton costume.

Hedward: damn, that sounds so tempting, but I've conveniently given us all plans for tonight. We are gonna go hang out with dead people and stare at rotten food we can't eat.

Racob + Hella: YAY!

***

THE SECTION CONTAINING THE DEATH DAY PARTY HAS BEEN REMOVED BECAUSE THAT BIT IS AS BORING AS SHIT. WE SKIP FORWARDS TO THE THREE CHILDREN LEAVING THE PARTY

***

Hedward led the procession outside of the dungeon. He had the wild notion that they might make it in time for dinner (and no doubt wanted to see Dumblelisle in the skeleton suit, dancing and wiggling his hips). And then he heard the weird-arse voice singing death-songs again.

Mystery Voice: wheeeeeeee! I killed a stupid cat, yes killed a stupid cat. The chamber is open again (OH DRAT!) and I killed a stupid cat.

Hedward: oh noes! I am part of the RSPCA and I will not stand for this. To the crime scene where we will no doubt end up looking guilty!

They galloped upstairs and dismounted from their conveniently placed horses and looked upon a ghastly sight. Ham was standing there, completely naked, petting a salamander and stroking it against his beard. They screamed and ran away, and came upon the scene of the crime. There, written on the wall in a suspicious white substance were the words:

THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS HAS OPENED…AGAIN. ISN'T IT GETTING JUST A LITTLE BIT OLD AFTER HE FIRST TIME…I MEAN- BEWARE! OH BEWARE! NO MAN, WOMAN, OR CHILD IS SAFE FROM MY/OUR WRATH…APART FROM SEXY SLYTHERINS ;)

Lying beneath the slightly disturbing sign was a puddle of water and Farcus' cat lying next to it.

Racob: dear god, no.

Racob raced over to the puddles and mopped them up, depositing the excess water into a conveniently placed pot plant.

Racob: now, now children, wasting water is the biggest crime. When you find yourself drinking (gasp) milk, don't you come running to me. Dear god, IS THAT A CAT? WHAT THE HELL?!

Hedward: OMG, let's get the fuck out of here. We don't wanna have to clean up this mess, I mean- THEY WILL THINK WE KILLED FARCUS' BABY!

Hella: aren't you meant to be the one who wants to stay and help the cat?

Hedward: nah, cats make me too hungry.

Racob: …

By then it was much too late to do anything, because immediately thousands of people came running down the corridor and collectively gasped.

Everyone: oh noes! How will Farcus react to this. FIND OUT NEXT CHAPTER, AFTER THIS CONVENIENT BREAK.

_**IMPORTANT NOTE: CHAPTER NINE WILL NOT BE POSTED UNTIL I RECEIVE AT LEAST 20 REVIEWS. SO IF YOU REALLY CARE ABOUT MY FANFIC, THEN LEAVE A SPECIAL RECOGNITION TO MAKE MY DAY! ALSO, I'LL HUNT YOU DOWN AND GIVE YOU TO RACOB IF YOU DON'T!**_

_This chapter gives special recognition to Shona, and the whale._

_Whale: Aww, I'm beached as, bro_

_Please read and review_


	9. Chapter 9

_I know that I said I wouldn't begin writing or post this chapter until I received 20 reviews, but I'm having too much fun writing these, and I don't want to deny my few readers their enjoyment. This chapter is dedicated to all Australians, as I am beginning this chapter on Australia Day. Long live the BBQ. __**NEW CHARACTER ALERT:**_

_Harry/Edward= Hedward Pullen_

_Ron/Jacob= Racob Wack_

_Hermione/Bella= Hella Gron_

_Ginny/Alice= Galice Wack_

_Dobby/Seth= Sobby_

_Mrs Weasley/Jane= Mrs Wack_

_Mr Weasley/Alec= Mr Wack_

_Fred/Mike= Frike Wack_

_George/Eric= Geric Wack_

_Draco/Emmett= Dremmett Mullen_

_Percy/Tyler= Pyler Wack_

_Lockhart/Aro= Laro _

_Hagrid/Sam= Ham_

_Lucius/ Caius= Lucais Mullen_

_Dumbledore/ Carlisle= Dumblelisle_

_McGonagall/ Esme= Mesme_

_Colin Creevey/Jasper= Casper Crullen _

_Snape/Charlie= Snarlie_

_Neville/ Quil= Nil_

_Professor Sprout/ Rosalie= Sprosalie_

_Oliver Wood/James= Joliver_

_Justin Finch-Fletchley/Laurent= Jaurent_

**DISCLAIMER: I OWN NEITHER HARRY POTTER NOR TWILIGHT. I AM TOO BUSY WITH OTHER THINGS TO HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT THEM…BUT YOU CAN VISIT ANY TIME, RONNIE…lol!**

Farcus came sprinting through the crowd, moving extremely quickly for an old man with a limp.

Farcus: OMFG! What the fuck happened to my kitty-witty? Who killed her? I'll kill YOU, I'll kill you _all_. OMG, it was you, Mr. Pullen, weren't it? RAAAAAAAPE!

Dumblelisle and Mesme forcefully restrained Farcus, who was foaming at the mouth and sobbing hysterically.

Dumblelisle: looks like rabies to me. I suggest you take these pills every hour, I mean- the cat is not dead. Bring her and the children to Laro's office, Mesme.

They all scurried off to Laro's office, with Hedward walking carefully behind, not wanting to return to the place of so many disturbing memories. They all sat down and Dumblelisle picked up the cat and started licking her.

Dumblelisle: Mmmm she tastes good, I mean- she's not dead. She is merely Petrified, and who wouldn't be, after seeing Farcus' ugly mug, I mean- when the Mandrakes are ready in a few months we can whip up a potion to restore her.

Mesme bustled around handing mugs of tea to the shocked crowd, and then retreated to her corner, where she began to knit something that looked suspiciously like a pumpkin hat.

Laro: I can certainly make the potion for you. I am a total fraud that wrote books about things I didn't do, because meanwhile I was ruling over my legion of peace-keeping vampires, but I will be able to do this. TRUST ME!

Snarlie: I believe that _I _am the chief of police, I mean- the Potions Master of this school. FACE MY WRATH!

Laro and Snarlie began to fight each other, slapping and scratching as a full bitch-fight ensued.

Dumblelisle: I diagnose that they each have a serious case of an over-blown ego. I suggest YOU STOP FIGHTING!

The two teachers/angst-ridden men broke apart and sat down, lowering their faces in shame.

Dumblelisle: the real problem is how we are going to figure out what Petrified this cat. It can't have been anything I know about, even though I am a medical genius.

Farcus: ASK HEDWARD! He's had it out from me ever since he read my letter. HE KNOWS THAT I AM A RECOVERING PAEDOPHILE! Ask him how he did it.

There was a shocked silence and several small children screamed and ran away (who knows what they were doing there, anyway).

Dumblelisle: against my better judgement, I will not fire you, but I will find out what did this to your cat, and get her cured. Now, all of you BEGONE!

Snarlie: wait! We must question these children about why they were in this corridor. Why were you not at the feast?

Hedward: the feast is a piece of shit- I mean- we attended Sir Nearly Headless Lick's Death day party. It was extremely boring so we decided to go to bed, lest we fall asleep on the Grand Staircase.

Snarlie: weren't you hungry? For God's sakes man, didn't you want to see Dumblelisle's special performance?

Racob: we weren't hungry. It's hard to be hungry when every few days you turn into a small furry animal, and you're so hot, but everyone thinks you're ugly. WHY DOES NO ONE UNDERSTAND ME?

Snarlie: …Ok…I suggest we punish these boys. I think that they are not telling the entire truth, and LAWS MUST BE UPHELD. I suggest that Mr. Hedward be taken off the Quidditch team until he is ready to tell the truth.

Mesme: don't be silly. The children are clearly traumatised, and there is no evidence that the cat was hit over the head by a broomstick, so why take away Quidditch?

Dumblelisle: actually, if you look closely at its head…

Mesme: SHUT UP!

While a raging power-struggle began, the three children ran away and hurried up the staircase towards their Common Room.

Hedward: do you reckon I should have told them about the voices?

Hella: what voices? Huh?

Racob: shut up Hella, you're so stupid. Go jump off a cliff or something. No, Hedward, never tell anyone else your secrets. _I _am your best friend, and that is that.

Hedward: riiiight.

***

For the next few days, no one really seemed to care about the cat, but everyone was talking about the writing on the wall. Naturally, they believed that the message was a threat of some sort, and many a Seventh Year could be seen stopping at the writing and sniffing at the mysterious white powder that was in plentiful supply, and was forming the letters.

At some point later in the week, Hedward and Racob were seated in the library, deliberating over their homework, while Hella frantically paced and tore through the shelves, searching for a certain book. What she didn't notice was that she was knocking down all the books behind her, forming an ocean of literature on the carpet.

Hedward: what are you looking for? I've read so many books in my 107…12…years, I'm sure I can tell you all you need to know.

Hella: no, u cant. I'm looking for a copy of Hogwarts: A history, but every single copy has been taken out. WHAT WILL I DO?

Racob: why don't you have a copy? Don't u own like every book in the known universe?

Hella: shut up, mutty boy.

Racob: …

The bell suddenly rung and someone answered it. Then there was a loud clanging and they hurried to their History of Magic class. This was the only class taught by a ghost, and an unnamed ghost at that (this may be because I don't wanna waste my short supply of Twilight characters). The students generally called him Bin, because he was silvery, vaguely rectangular, and smelt like a whole variety of shit. He began droning on and on about nothing in particular, until Hella jumped up and waved her hand frantically in the air (a practice she widely used in all lessons).

Bin: what do you want, u silly bitch, I mean- do you have a question, whatever your name is?

Hella: I was wondering if you could tell us about the Chamber of Secrets.

Bin (in a whiny tone): but if I talk about something that would actually interest you, that denies me the fact to bore you to tears and subsequently fail you all. Oh very well, let's talk about this shit.

All: Hurrah!

Bin: well I could drone on for hours like I usually do, or I could just tell you a quick summary. One day in ancient Hogwarts history, Salazar Slytherin had a hissy fit because the pancake he received for breakfast was a little bit burnt. He flew into a rage and began building a secret chamber, at first with the intention of tossing in all the people who bullied him. Instead he decided instead to keep a monstrous beast inside, which only his true heir could release, to kill all Muggle-borns, because he solely blamed them for his troubled childhood.

Hella: what kind of monster are we talking about? I'm a know-it-all, so I have to know these things.

Bin: SHUT UP, YOU STUPID BITCH! Class dismissed.

Hedward: but there's still 20 minutes until dinner.

Bin (sulkily): I don't care. LET ME CRY ON MY OWN!

All: …

They hurried out, where they discovered Casper leering creepily at Hedward and licking at Galice, who noticed Hedward and ran screaming away. No one approves of inter-story cheating, either.

Casper: oh the lust…Hedward, why are you feeling so aroused?

Hedward: SHUT UP! Just hormones…errr why are you here?

Casper: some boys have been talking about you, dear brother, so naturally I want to alert you to the fact that they say you are a-

Unfortunately he was swept away in the sudden and unexpected crowd of geese, leaving Hedward sweating nervously.

Racob: what do you reckon they've been saying you are?

Hedward: crap, I hope it's not a vampire.

Racob: why the fuck would they be saying that you're a vampire?

Hedward: Ummm…

Hedward smashed Racob over the head so that he was knocked unconscious and ran away, heading off to dinner with Hella, who was calmly oblivious.

Hella: I reckon they were saying that you're Slytherin's heir. It makes perfect sense when you twist everything around and use a lot of imagination.

Hedward: yes…that was _definitely _what I meant to say.

**I'm sorry this chapter is a bit short, but I'm a bit pissed off from the lack of reviews, so you can damn well wait. I'm serious, if I don't get at least 25 reviews there will be NO more chapters. So be it. **


	10. Chapter 10

_I have begun writing this chapter not long after posting the previous one (a few hours at most) and have no intention of posting it until I receive the required amount of reviews. I hope to finish this one quickly so that I might pursue another fan fiction for a time. I have a general idea for it, but I don't know how I'm going to make it blossom. This chapter is dedicated to all authors, everywhere. __**NEW CHARACTER ALERT!**_

_Harry/Edward= Hedward Pullen_

_Ron/Jacob= Racob Wack_

_Hermione/Bella= Hella Gron_

_Ginny/Alice= Galice Wack_

_Dobby/Seth= Sobby_

_Mrs Weasley/Jane= Mrs Wack_

_Mr Weasley/Alec= Mr Wack_

_Fred/Mike= Frike Wack_

_George/Eric= Geric Wack_

_Draco/Emmett= Dremmett Mullen_

_Percy/Tyler= Pyler Wack_

_Lockhart/Aro= Laro _

_Hagrid/Sam= Ham_

_Lucius/ Caius= Lucais Mullen_

_Dumbledore/ Carlisle= Dumblelisle_

_McGonagall/ Esme= Mesme_

_Colin Creevey/Jasper= Casper Crullen _

_Snape/Charlie= Snarlie_

_Neville/ Quil= Nil_

_Professor Sprout/ Rosalie= Sprosalie_

_Oliver Wood/James= Joliver_

_Justin Finch-Fletchley/Laurent= Jaurent_

_Moaning Myrtle/ Victoria= Moaning Mictoria_

**DISCLAIMER: I DO OWN NEITHER TWILIGHT NOR HARRY POTTER. DO YOU? WHERE CAN I FIND THEM?**

They were just about to seat themselves in the Great Hall, as Racob joined them, and Hedward whirled about, a sudden plan in his mind.

Hedward: let's roll, bitches.

Racob: hell yes!

Hella: …

Hedward set off at a run and they returned to the scene of the crime, looking suspicious, especially as everyone else was at dinner. They noticed scorch marks, and Hella was just pointing out a trail of spiders when Racob shrieked hysterically, collapsed on the far wall and started sobbing.

Racob: spiders…give…me…the…*sob*…creeps.

Hella: what a sissy. And I thought even with his _hair_ he couldn't be any sissier. Today, I am proved wrong.

Hedward: shut up Hella. Everyone may love you in Twilight but everyone thinks you're a bitch here. GET WITH THE PROGRAM. Now, there used to be water outside this door, so let's go in, even though it's a girls' bathroom.

Hella: we can't go in there, we're not girls!

Racob: …actually, Hella, you are…aren't you?

Hella: shhh.

They walked cautiously into the bathroom and Racob screamed hysterically as he swivelled and caught his reflection in a mirror.

Racob: dear God, my HAIR!

Everyone ignored this and turned to see an emo looking ghost who was sitting on a toilet and crying transparent tears.

Hella: hello Mictoria. How are you?

Mictoria: BITCH! YOUR MATE KILLED MY JAMES, I'LL KILL YOU, I mean- leave me alone…I'm being depressed, in case you haven't noticed.

Hedward: did you notice anything suspicious on the night of Halloween? There was an attempted murder right outside your door.

Mictoria: I know a murder that wasn't just attempted, YOU KILLED MY JAMES, YOU ABSOLUTE ARSEHOLE. IF I WEREN'T ALREADY DEAD…I'D KILL YOU!

And with that, Mictoria flew up into the air and splashed into the toilet with a noisy sob.

Hella: what a stupid ghost.

They walked out of the girls' toilet and gasped ominously as Pyler strutted around the corner and screamed.

Pyler: my, my, Hella, aren't you looking fine this evening, I mean- RACOB! What are you doing in there? That's a girls' toilet! I know the whole family's had suspicions about you, but you have the family reputation to uphold.

Racob: take a chill pill, Mr. Grumpy. We're just suspiciously looking around for clues leading to the attempted murder of Farcus' cat.

Pyler: OMG how stupid _are_ you? Don't answer that, because I read your IQ test results. This looks so suspicious poking around here while everyone is at dinner. If you do anything else suspicious I'll write to Mother, and she'll punish you good. See you around, Hella.

***

Later that night in the Common Room, they were discussing who they thought had opened the Chamber of Secrets.

Racob: I reckon it was Dumblelisle.

Hedward: yes, because that totally makes sense. Let's go with that.

Hella: umm you think the Headmaster opened the Chamber of Secrets? Dumblelisle? The dude totally against killing and all the Dark Arts? He's the least likely person to have done this.

Racob: that's what he _wants_ you to think. Now stop being logical Hella, and let's think up a plan to reveal Dumblelisle's secret plots.

Hella: isn't it more likely that Dremmett Mullen did this? His whole family has been Slytherins, and his father is evil.

Hedward: now, now, Hella, that would make far too much sense. Let's just say Mullen is the heir of Salazar Slytherin. How do we go about proving this?

Hella: all we need to do is use Polyjuice Potion and turn into a few of Mullen's friends. Hopefully hot ones with rippling abs, I mean- we will have to get a book with the recipe and it will be in the Restricted Section. Funny how this school is always trying to foil our plans. We're gonna have to con a teacher into signing some paper so that we can borrow this book.

Racob: well now, we'd need to approach a seriously stupid teacher. I still think the Dumblelisle theory is plausible.

***

After a particularly eventful Defence Against the Dark Arts lesson, in which Laro made several members of the class perform dances he claimed had foiled many a werewolf (this made Racob grumble), they stayed back to talk to Laro.

Hella: can we borrow a potentially dark and dangerous book in order to make an illegal potion that will let us spy on other people?

Laro: certainly. I do love signatures. Where do I sign?

Hella: are you sure? Did you not hear the dark, dangerous and illegal parts?

Laro: Hell, I only care about upholding vampire law. Fuck me if I care what happens to you little brats. Now scat. Scat!

He signed the note hurriedly and they ran out, Laro's curses flying after them.


	11. Chapter 11

_This chapter is dedicated to all the people that have stuck with this fan fiction, even though it is creepy. I love you all! I really don't care how many reviews I get. JOLSON! I'll post the next chapter when it's done, so that may take a while. __**NEW CHARACTER ALERT.**_

_Harry/Edward= Hedward Pullen_

_Ron/Jacob= Racob Wack_

_Hermione/Bella= Hella Gron_

_Ginny/Alice= Galice Wack_

_Dobby/Seth= Sobby_

_Mrs Weasley/Jane= Mrs Wack_

_Mr Weasley/Alec= Mr Wack_

_Fred/Mike= Frike Wack_

_George/Eric= Geric Wack_

_Draco/Emmett= Dremmett Mullen_

_Percy/Tyler= Pyler Wack_

_Lockhart/Aro= Laro _

_Hagrid/Sam= Ham_

_Lucius/ Caius= Lucais Mullen_

_Dumbledore/ Carlisle= Dumblelisle_

_McGonagall/ Esme= Mesme_

_Colin Creevey/Jasper= Casper Crullen _

_Snape/Charlie= Snarlie_

_Neville/ Quil= Nil_

_Professor Sprout/ Rosalie= Sprosalie_

_Oliver Wood/James= Joliver_

_Justin Finch-Fletchley/Laurent= Jaurent_

_Moaning Myrtle/ Victoria= Moaning Mictoria_

_Crabbe/ Embry= Crembry_

_Goyle/Billy= Gilly_

_Madam Pomfrey/Renee= Madam Penne _

**DISCLAIMER: I AM NOT STEPHENIE MEYER…YET. **

Hedward lead the chase into the library, and snuck, commando-style (and yes I am talking about him wearing no pants or underwear), into the Restricted Section.

Hella: you know, Hedward. We do actually have a note. So we don't actually have to illegally break in. Would you please put some pants on?

Racob: don't listen to the bitch, Hedward. Make me _your_ bitch. Please turn around.

Hedward: (puts pants back on)…that was weird.

Ten minutes later they dashed into the girls' bathroom with the book. There were about fifty million secret hiding places in Hogwarts, but Racob insisted that the bathroom was the best place to hide. No doubt he felt at home there. Even though he insisted that no one would come in, nevertheless they all crammed into a cubicle, and Hedward squealed.

Hedward: who took my pants? Racob- what the fuck? No one wants to have to see _that_.

Racob: that's not what you said last night, Hedward.

Hedward: shhh.

Hella: ok, I estimate that this potion will take about one month. Oops.

Hella squealed as she conveniently dropped the recipe in the toilet bowl.

Hella: Racob, get it out.

Racob: nuh uh, that's where the yucky people go poopies.

Hella sighed and scooped the book back out, drying it with Racob's hair. Racob squealed and ran screaming out of the cubicle to sit, rocking back and forth, in the corner of the bathroom.

Hella: we're gonna have to steal some stuff from Professor Snarlie.

Racob: I should do it. He and I have a special…_connection_.

Hedward: no, I should do it. I have a lot of experience with breaking and entering. Plus, then I might get to look at Snarlie's secret supply of cocaine, I mean- cookies…of course I mean cookies.

Hella: no, I'll do it, even though I'm the smart responsible one. I'm also the clumsy one who will most likely get caught, so it makes perfect sense for me to do it.

In the morning, Hedward sat on the edge of his bed, feeling thoroughly exhausted because for some reason he couldn't fathom, he was apparently unable to sleep. What was more; he had a Quidditch match in two hours. He had fallen off his broom a total of eleven times last practice, and he still didn't know how to stop. It was an unsolved mystery as to why he was still on the team.

Hedward sat solidly in the Great Hall until the rest of his team arrived. They all sat there, staring at each other. Racob danced up to the table.

Racob: good luck, guys. I'll be rooting- I mean, rooting _for_ you, Hedward.

When finally they all decided that staring at the food would get them nowhere, they all bundled into the change rooms. Racob tried to follow them until he realised that they weren't actually getting changed, lost heart, and followed Hella into the spectator stands.

Joliver: now…about killing Hedward…I mean…Slytherin may have fast brooms, rippling abs and killer marijuana, but we have better people, if you know what I mean. I've seen you all perform at your best (w-hey) and we really need that today. Hedward, even though you are yet to even fly a metre, we are all relying on you to win the game.

The Gryffindor team minced out onto the pitch, squealing as their designer pumps (courtesy of Hedward's closet) were dirtied by the mud. The referee shoved the two captains together and told them to shake hands. There was a moment of awkwardness when Joliver went to give the other captain a hug.

The whistle blew and Hedward kicked off, flying into the air and straight away smashing into the teacher's podium. Snarlie somehow made his way onto Hedward's broom, and felt the need to grab his crotch in order to stay on the broom. Hedward shrieked with terror and dived off of the broom.

At that moment, a Bludger zoomed out of the sky and rocketed at Hedward. He screamed hysterically and started sprinting around the pitch, completely ignoring his discarded broom. At one point he was forced to jump and twirl in the air to avoid the hard, fast ball (LOL).

Dremmett: training for the ballet, Pullen?

Hedward: how dare you mock my life's ambition? I'll get you!

He leapt into the air, somehow jumping about ten metres, and latched onto Dremmett's broom. Unfortunately, the Bludger was still attempting to kill him, and so they were forced to zoom around the pitch at top speed, with Hedward dangling precariously.

Dremmett: get the fuck off me!

Hedward: (crying) that's not what you said last night!

Shona (appearing in a tiny aeroplane): that joke has been used twice already in this chapter. Don't you think its getting a little bit old?

Dumblelisle: not as old as me! I'm so old that it's not longer disgusting. Now I'm sexily old!

Snarlie: and don't you forget it, girlfriend! (*clicks fingers in a 'don't go there girlfriend' manner*).

Hedward got very afraid of all the randoms suddenly flying next to him, and he leapt off the broom. As he screamed and plummeted towards the ground, the Snitch flew down his throat. He coughed and started choking, his eyes bulging. He slammed into the ground, suffocating, and the Bludger smashed into him, simultaneously breaking his arm and forcing the Snitch out of his throat. It fell into his pants and attempted to escape, but Racob thrust his hand into his pants and seized it.

Hedward: wtf happened? And why is Racob's hand still in my pants?

Racob: you just got smashed by a flying ball. And your pants are warm.

He then attempted to get into Hedward's pants, but Hedward screamed and rolled over, dangling his broken arm in the mud.

When he looked up, Laro was standing over him, grinning manically. He placed his hand on Hedward and giggled.

Laro: yesss…the thoughts of pain sustain me. I could get a trained medic…or I could attempt to fix this myself.

Hella: I'm an annoying know-it-all. If you want to be sensible about this…actually, just go for it. Sometimes I really don't give a shit. I GOTTA LIVE MORE!

Hella threw off all her clothes and ran off into the Forbidden Forest.

Racob: hells yes!

Racob and about twenty other guys, including, oddly, Ham, sprinted off into the forest after her. Laro pulled out his wand, muttered something random and pointed it at Hedward. Hedward swelled to twice his size and oddly resembled a balloon.

Laro: yes, I have inflicted enough damage for now. I can die happy…although I can't ever die *shifty eyes*.

When Hedward eventually arrived in the school hospital (no one had helped him, and he'd had to crawl), Madam Penne grabbed him and threw him into a bed.

Penne: I neglected my own child, so I make up for it by looking after other children. Now, Laro ruined your bones, and so you must drink this and sleep here all night.

Many hours later, Hedward woke suddenly as he felt a small hand slip down his pants.

Hedward: what the fuck! Only I can be that cold!

He leapt out of bed, readying to fight, and encountered Sobby, who was jumping up and down with glee.

Sobby: dude, I told you not to come back to school. I thought we were friends. Because you disobeyed my orders, I tried to kill you.

Hedward: …why kill me, though?

Sobby: it's my legacy. You know the whole sworn enemy thing.

Hedward: but I thought we got over that. I THOUGHT LAST SATURDAY MEANT SOMETHING!

Hedward was making rather a lot of noise, and Sobby disappeared in a shower of glitter, just as Dumblelisle and Mesme entered the hospital, holding hands and dragging Casper behind them.

Penne: what on earth happened?

Dumblelisle: this small boy was attacked. I am a doctor, but tonight is late night crime time, and I certainly cannot miss anymore, so I expect you to take care of this. Here, let's look inside his camera.

They pulled open the camera, and smoke billowed out, as well as a roll of undamaged photos.

Mesme: are these…nude photos of Snarlie?

Dumblelisle: I am unsure. I must keep these photos as evidence. Excuse me for one moment.

Dumblelisle grabbed the photos and sprinted down the stairs, Mesme on his heels, begging and pleading with him.

Penne: sometimes I wonder why I have this job…


End file.
